McDonald's Monopoly(TM)

So in case you were wondering, all zero of you, if I am one of those fucktards who gets ridiculously excited about McDonald's Monopoly, I'll tell you right now. Yes, I am.

Today I went to McDonald's for lunch because I couldn't think of anything else to eat. While sitting in the drive thru line, I saw the sign for the Monopoly game, and I'm sure if I were looking at myself from outside my car, my beady little eyes would've lit right up.

Fucking October. Every year, every damn year, McDonald's sucks me in with this stupid game. I buy bigger fries and drinks in the hopes that maybe I'll be the one in eleventy million person to get Boardwalk, or that maybe I'll win $50,000, at least, or a new car, or a free sundae (because a free sundae is equal to these other things in value).

I've won the food prizes. I've won the sweepstakes ENTRIES. Have I ever won anything that would make my mother proud? No. No. All I've earned is a fat ass and little piles of tiny monopoly pieces with codes on them.

So today, of course, I bought a medium Coke and a large fries because then I'd get six whole Monopoly pieces. I eagerly pulled them from the boxes when I got back to my office and gleefully entered the codes online after registering. I won sweepstakes entries. Nothing more.

The crowning jewel of my miserable experience is when I lost one of the pieces. I counted them - I should have had six, but I had five. One disappeared. I searched for it and felt overwhelming disappointment that I couldn't find it. I still don't know where it is. I think my laptop sucked it up into its robot parts because it hates me.

I'm all discombobulated. I earned six pieces, and yet I have five. It was on the desk; now it's not.

What the fuck, McDonald's? What have you turned me into?

B

My Birthday, Your Birthday: Adults Need Birthdays

Yesterday, I turned 35.

Many people stop caring about their birthdays after a certain age. They say, "Birthdays are stupid. I'm too old for this crap, and I don't want to be reminded that I'm getting older." They do not buy festive hats; they do not throw parties and they do not eat cake unless other people in their lives force them to do so.

I am not that person. I love my birthday. I like to wear ridiculous hats and have celebrations. I love cake. It all makes sense to the part of me that is a self-indulgent child.

So yesterday, I turned 35. My husband snuck out while I was in the shower and got me kolaches and donuts for breakfast. I went to work and my boss bought lunch and cupcakes, and they sang to me. I came home and did my Insanity workout (dig deep!) and then went to get fried chicken. When I returned, a group of my friends, including my sister-in-law, were at my place to surprise me. And I was surprised! It was a great birthday.

So I bring the discussion back to those who dislike their birthdays and don't like to celebrate them. Look... I'm not you. You don't know me, I don't know you. You can tell me to fuck off. Whatever. But I do NOT understand. Why don't you want this?? What's with you that you don't want people being nice to you and singing you songs and being happy you're alive? Why do you hate fun and cake?

I've heard the explanations, and I counter them:

• I hate being the center of attention. Well, I also hate being the center of attention, and I hate being a burden on other people. I don't like it when all eyes are on me. I like talking to other people and finding out about them and interacting with them. I don't like a one-man show. But five minutes of singing and saying thank you is, to me, worth it. Birthday parties are joy. Birthdays with no recognition are sad after-school specials.

• I don't like being reminded that I'm getting older. You're getting older no matter what you do. That next birthday is coming. Why not do something with it?

• I want to go to the Clown Commando House of Horrors and Pie for my birthday, but my friends think it sounds stupid. You need better friends.

• Birthday parties are for little kids. Fuck you. Go back to shopping at Bed, Bath & Beyond and watching Murder, She Wrote.

I know people who don't like their birthdays and who don't care about them. They're nice, good people who deserve nice, good birthdays - but they don't want them. I know there are more of you out there.

Knock it off. Do something for your birthday. Adults have shitty, boring lives; birthdays add something.

"When it's time to party, we will party hard." --Andrew W.K.

B

Eating my Feelings

Today, I'd like to talk about eating my feelings.

Lots of people eat their feelings. They get depressed or anxious and turn to junk food for comfort. I am one of those people.

I'm very anxious right now. I'm overwhelmed at work (which is why I'm writing in my blog instead of working), the sky is a hazy shade of bullshit Texas springtime grey, and I'm just kind of battling a general feeling of not being able to get anything right.

Food tally today:

• Whole grain peach apricot bar (good!) 
• Banana (okay, it's just sitting on my desk. I haven't eaten it) 
• Giant cinnamon bun (tastes like despair) 
• Peanut butter cookie (tastes like peanut butter... and despair) 

I'm full. but it's lunchtime. Do I eat the whole grain pasta with shrimp and natural sauce that I have for my lunch today, or do I get a double cheeseburger from Jack in the Box? While I know that eating a double cheeseburger from Jack in the Box will only make me feel better for a few minutes (if that), I'm overwhelmed by the desire to go get one. Even though I know it won't make me feel better, I just KNOW it will make me feel better.

Insanity? Perhaps. But as a grown-ass woman, aren't I entitled to sit in my car and eat a double cheeseburger while I cry and bang my head on the dash? This is the torment with which I struggle. So to stick with the spirit of reviewing, I leave you with this:

Eating my feelings = two big thumbs down.

B

The Short Ribs I Made Tonight

Unless you're an incredible dullard, you've probably figured out from the title of this post that I made short ribs tonight. I marinated them in a mixture of olive oil, lime juice, salt and pepper. Then I baked them for 40 minutes and made a honey mustard sauce, seasoned with Hot Cock.

Hot Cock, for those not in the know, is actually called sriracha sauce. You can find it in most Vietnamese restaurants in a big squeeze bottle with a rooster on the front. It's like very, very, very spicy ketchup. Hot Cock.

The ribs were slightly overdone. The sauce was pretty good, though. Doesn't everyone like sauce made with Hot Cock?

All in all, I give myself 2.5 stars. Out of how many, you say? Does it matter?

B

Stuffed Meat... the Burger King Stuffed Steakhouse Burger

I realize I haven't written in a while, and all two of you who read my blog have probably forgotten about me by now, having ridden off into the sunset in a blaze of disappointment. Either that, or you won't get past that very long sentence to get to my review.

However, I will forge ahead and review anyway. Let's talk about stuffed meat, shall we? The item in question is Burger King's brand new Stuffed Steakhouse Burger. I like to make things sound as vulgar as possible, so from this point forward, we (the Royal We) shall refer to this sandwich as Stuffed Meat.

Normally when I want a fast food burger, I head to McDonald's, because there is a McDonald's every five feet and because I love the fries (who doesn't?). However, McDonald's' (McDonald's's?) burgers taste like paste. So sometimes I need an audience with The King.

I bought Stuffed Meat for lunch today on a whim. My husband and I saw a commercial for it recently and agreed that it looked a) delicious, b) sort of disgusting, and c) like something we'd like to eat.

Stuffed Meat is a steakhouse burger patty stuffed (yes, stuffed) with cheddar cheese and jalapenos, topped with lettuce, tomatoes, and some orange-ish sauce called poblano sauce, on a cornmeal-dusted bun. It is the approximate diameter of a frisbee and is very messy. Think "papier mache" meets "Whopper".

The burger was very juicy, and a little spicy. The spice was not intolerable. I am a mutant spice-sensitive weirdo, so my definition of "spicy" is different from those who like spicy food. My husband, for example, could probably eat a jar of ghost chilis and exclaim afterward, "Who wants nachos???" But I, alas, get a runny nose when I eat Hormel chili. That said, the sandwich had a little bit of heat, but not so much that it took away from the taste.

All in all, a very delicious burger. I would recommend it. Burger King continues to outshine McDonald's in the sandwich department. It's a shame, really... what a waste of delicious fries.

That Sure as Hell Doesn't Look Appetizing

FOOD REVIEW - Bolthouse Farms Green Goodness Smoothie

Those of you who know me are probably aware that I don't get a lot of vegetables. Those of you who don't know me are now on notice of that fact.

I like vegetables; don't get me wrong. I love spinach and asparagus and brussels sprouts and all those super dark, bitter vegetables. I love green beans and peas. I like bell peppers and green onions and romaine lettuce. I love tomatoes, which are actually a fruit, but I don't care.

The problem with vegetables is that they're not terribly handy. Unlike fruit, which can come in a variety of forms (smoothies, yogurt, juice pops, etc.) and do not have to be prepared to be eaten, vegetables take a little more effort. They have to be cooked or blanched or made into a salad or chopped. I know there are purists out there who would eat vegetables in their natural state as a snack, but I am not one of those crazies.

The other option was always V-8, which to me is like drinking cold vegetable soup blended with ketchup. The thought of doing this makes me wrinkle my nose in disgust. I want to like V-8, but I can't. So what can I do?

Bolthouse Farms and its smoothie team created the Green Goodness smoothie, which you can find at most grocery stores in a variety of sizes. It's made from lots of fruit, which gives it a sweet taste, but also contains spinach and spirulina, along with various other scientific vegetable-ish things that are good for you. It looks like something the Swamp Thing barfed up, and it tastes a little strange, but it's definitely palatable, and good for you.

Similar products are made by Naked Juice and Odwalla, but Bolthouse Farms is the best of the three, in my opinion.

Bottom line: Tastes like fruit (kind of), very nutritious, easy to carry around, no need to blanch, does not taste like soup mixed with ketchup. Looks like algae, but I've eaten worse things than algae.

Bleepity Bleep Bleep.

INCIDENT REVIEW - Guy In Front of Me On 696 This Morning

Dude, if your car is fucking on fire, don't drive it and blow black smoke at MY car, which is not on fire.

B